Mama did a bad, bad thing.

Yes, Mama did a bad thing, and I'll admit it. I made a mistake. I made a mistake with my child. Are you allowed to admit that, or does that go against every parenting rule in the book?

Jax doesn't sleep well, and he hasn't slept well since he was born. In the last 393 days, I've only gotten a handful of full nights of sleep (a full night of sleep in my book being from 12am till about 7am). Here's my admittance...when he was around five months old, I gave up and gave him a bottle in his crib to help him sleep at night. Major whoops.

Now give me a chance to explain myself. I was desperate. I needed to sleep so so badly, I would've done just about anything within reason at this point to get him to sleep. He was up anywhere from three to five times a night even at five months old. He never took a Nuk. I tried every written method in existence. I asked other people what they did, and tried their suggestions. Nothing was working.

Here's another problem: He was (and still is) sleeping in our room. I think he also wakes up so much because he knows that I am right there to get him whenever he pleases. He can see me when he stands up in his crib. We have a tiny house, and need to move terribly, but haven't been able to find a new house in our area within our budget. I'm very hesitant to move Logan out of his school district due to his Aspergers (change/new friends/new IEP team is a bad thing). Therefore, with our small house situation, either I lose because Jax is in our room, or Logan loses because he has to switch schools. We will probably be moving this summer, because Jax just cannot continue to sleep in our bedroom.

One more problem, and I will keep this short. We live in a duplex and have neighbors. Noisy neighbors. When Jax doesn't take his naps during the day - when he gets woken up due to noise made next door - he tends not to sleep well at night. I'll keep it at that as this is a hot-button issue, and I will probably have consequences just for writing this short little paragraph.

When he was about a month old we figured out he was a white noise baby, so we've been using a sound machine during his naps and at night from the beginning. That helped temporarily, but now it seems we just created another thing he relies on to sleep. He will also only sleep with a very specific blankie (thanks to the $39 PBK blankie gifted to us that I had to go buy four more of).

I finally resorted to the one thing you aren't supposed to do. I gave him a bottle in his crib. It backfired tremendously. Now he goes through two bottles a night on a good night, and five bottles a night on a bad night. I can seriously see the look of distaste on all of the other Mommy's faces as I write this. I already know I did a bad thing.

So NOW, I have a one-year-old that not only doesn't sleep (still), but drinks five bottles throughout the night. Way to GO, Ann. I typically get around five hours of intermittent sleep a night, and this has gone on for over a year. My oldest didn't sleep well either, and when I found out I was preggers, I thought for SURE God wouldn't do that to me twice. Apparently I was wrong, and God has a sense of humor.

Let me be brutally honest about the consequences for my mistake. First, because I made the mistake of purchasing Avent bottles (see previous post about how badly Avent bottles suck), milk leaks from his bottles onto his sheets. His sheets end up stinky and I have to change them daily. Because I don't have anything better to do than laundry all day. Sometimes his diapers get so wet from drinking so much fluid throughout the night they leak, so I end up having to change his clothes either immediately in the morning or in the middle of the night. Gross, right? Obviously. It will be much more difficult to wean him from bottles than with the average toddler because he drinks SO many of them.

I've been honest with my Pediatrician about my boo-boo. She knows. She's probably the only one I've admitted my mistake to, and only out of necessity as she needs to make accurate decisions, having all of the facts, regarding Jax's health. She didn't make a stink over it, but made it clear I should try to break this habit.

This is the hardest part to admit as a parent: I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix my mistake. This gives me major agita. I'm angry with myself, sad that I can't sleep and frustrated that I made such a stupid mistake. The obvious answer is to stop giving them to him, and I've tried (several times). The child has more crying stamina than should be humanly possible. I really don't know how to end this post - I'm not asking for advice. Maybe I just wanted to get this off of my chest, maybe I wanted reassurance that I'm not the only one to make mistakes. Maybe I AM the only one that makes mistakes like this. I don't know. I try my hardest every day to be the best Mama possible, and to know I made a mistake (a biggie) is hard.

So, just to lighten up this post a little, I'll include the following clip:



Yes, I am 32 years old, and farts still make me laugh. :)